Lesley Pyne

1. Please tell us a bit about yourself and your work.
In 1994, I married Roger and we waited too long to try to become parents, stopping when I was 40 after six unsuccessful rounds of IVF. A few years later Mum died and, being from Yorkshire, I’d learned to bottle up my grief. I gave up my job working in public sector procurement which I’d never really enjoyed, trained in NLP and started providing support for childless women. I had the idea to collect and publish inspirational stories of women who’d ‘made it through’ and were now living a joyful childless life.

Behind the scenes, I continued to struggle and it came to a head shortly after Dad died a few years later. I started seeing a therapist, and her support and suggestions to start yoga plus to re-discover my creativity, were a huge catalyst in finding myself and my joy.

During this time, I decided to write a book, partially based on learning from the women whose stories I’d collected. I realised there were some similarities and differences in their approaches, and I thought it would be useful for others to learn about this. Also, whatever we’re struggling with, we believe we’re alone, so to read that other named women had been in their shoes and found their joy would support them in finding theirs.

What I didn’t realise at the time was working through these issues was also the therapy I needed, so writing the book really helped me. Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness was published in June 2018, and I’ve continued to blog and collect stories of which there are now over 50 on my website. Doing this work, plus feedback from and contact with other childless women, gave me some of the meaning which I’d been missing.
 

As of September 2024, Roger and I will have been married for 30 years, and we are now parentless and childless so are ready to shape our lives differently. Apart from the fact that I’m running out of things to say, I feel that it is a good time to stop blogging. My website and social media channels remain, and Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness is still available.
 

2. Has writing always been a focus for you or was it a Plan B?
Well, I guess I’ve always been a writer as I spent years writing big public sector contracts, but I became a blogger by necessity as my website needed a blog! However, writing more naturally, and about feelings and emotions, was definitely Plan B, and has taken me some time to learn and adjust to.

3. How do you explore ideas or find inspiration for your work?
Largely from my own challenges! Also, from books I’m reading, conversations with childless friends, general challenges of being a midlife woman or perhaps a particularly inspiring quote.

4. What does the process of writing involve for you?
Writing has always been a slow process for me, I usually start with an idea and as I write and explore ideas it evolves, becoming what it wants to be. Because of this, writing a blog usually takes place over a few days in small chunks of time. I also love finding quotes to match my theme and then adding them to my own photos.

I also feel that writing, like a muscle, gets easier the more you do it. Recently I’ve been writing less so it takes me longer, which is one reason why I’ve called time on blogging. I also usually go through the cycle of ‘I can’t do this, this is ****’ before I get to something I’m reasonably happy with.

5. And what does writing then also give you in return?
I’ll be bold and say that writing has given me everything and made me who I am today. The reasons are twofold:

• Writing about different subjects has been a huge opportunity to explore issues and continue to learn and grow. As I wrote above, writing Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness was the catalyst to working through different areas of grief and also to consider what readers (and therefore myself) would need to do to find their joy. All of which was immensely helpful in finding mine. Answering questions like these is also a useful opportunity to write about issues I hadn’t previously considered.

• From writing came my small coaching business which took me into the small business arena and brought me into contact with many lovely women who I wouldn’t otherwise have met. It has encouraged me to read many books, and attend workshops and training courses, all of which have expanded and enriched my life beyond anything I would have imagined when I first began.

And, as I move away from the blogging arena, I’m reminded of Elizabeth Gilbert's quote from Big Magic that "the merits of that creative adventure were mine to keep forever. Those years of my life had been wonderfully well spent." Exactly.

6. Has seeing your work in print changed how you view yourself, and also how you view your NoMo status?
Definitely. It’s hard to believe that I published a book, it’s such an honour to know that I’ve supported others, shown them that they’re not alone, that they can find a path to joy and shown them how. I feel very proud of everything I’ve done and I know that my parents would also be proud.

Sharing my story in Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness was very freeing and acted like a line in the sand for my grief, enabling me to let go of the past and move on with my life. I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin and am happy to say, this is me, here’s my story, I’m writing my own ending.

I’ve often spoken with childless friends about legacy, or the lack thereof, and I’m proud to have left a mark on the world by way of Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness and the help I’ve given to others. That’s very special.

These days I very rarely think about my ‘NoMo’ status. I will always be childless, just as I will always be parentless and an only child, but these days I don’t feel that any of these labels define who I really am.
 

7. Tell us about the wider reception that you’ve had to sharing your story - has it changed how others have viewed you and your identity as a non-parent?
To keep ourselves safe from outside pressure, we told very few people when we were going through IVF. Obviously, I became more open when I started my website and blog, but it was only when Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness was published that many family and friends were aware of everything I’d been through. So yes, it’s changed how they view me and I’ve become closer to many as a result.

I have been recognised a few times which is quite amazing really. Recently at an event, a lady I was chatting to was asked, ‘How do you know Lesley?’ She was quite emotional when she replied that she found my book when she really needed it. That and other similar moments make everything worthwhile.

I’m more open now about my challenges and life, and I feel more of a role model in that ‘I found my way, so you can too’.
 

8. How do you feel about the current representation of childless and/or childfree people in literature?
It’s not great, there are too many stereotypes and happy endings with a baby, and not enough focus on childless and childfree role models.
 

9. What would you like the publishing world to know about non-parents, both as writers and readers, and our stories?
That there are a lot of us, and there will be more as more and more women are unsuccessful in becoming mothers or decide not to.

10. What future plans do you have, especially for your writing?
As I’ve hinted above, after 11 years, 225 blogs and a book, I’ve posted my last blog on my website, partly because I’m running out of things to say and mostly because it’s time for me to move on with life. We are parentless and childless, and ready to shape our lives in new ways. We’re currently both healthy which will hopefully continue for many years, and we don’t know so we’re determined to live life to the full whilst we can.

Writing blogs no longer brings me joy so it is time to let it go and spend time doing things which do, because that’s what’s important in life.