Yvonne John

1. Please tell us a bit about yourself and your work.
Outside of my professional life as a Biomedical Scientist in Haematology, I am an author, activist and public speaker where I've dedicated myself to being the leading voice on the childless experience of women of colour dealing with infertility. My journey, marked by appearances on prominent platforms such as BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour and the documentary Myleene Klass: Miscarriage & Me, has been instrumental in shedding light on
the often-overlooked struggles of involuntary childlessness.

The idea of my book Dreaming of a Life Unlived was conceived whilst participating on the Gateway Women's year-long Plan B Mentorship programme back in 2015. It was during this time that I felt inspired to share my story and give women like me their voices back. Upon graduating from the programme, I trained as a facilitator for the Gateway Women's Reignite Weekends in 2018.

My passion lies in empowering women to find fulfillment and purpose beyond the traditional notions of family and parenthood. Through my writing, speaking engagements and workshops, I strive to give voice to those navigating a life without children, providing the support and resources they need to thrive, whilst also creating spaces where black women and women of colour can openly discuss their childless journeys.

2. Has writing always been a focus for you or was it a Plan B?
No, writing was never a focal point for me and it’s not something that I had thought about prior to joining the Plan B Mentorship program and working through my grief of not becoming a mum. My writing evolved from journalling and subsequent blogging where I was expressing my thoughts, experiences and emotions.

Reflecting on my journey during the Plan B mentorship program, I recall a pivotal moment where I made a conscious decision that my Plan B would revolve around me finding my voice. It dawned on me then that my past experiences had gradually silenced me, making it increasingly difficult to advocate for myself (in various ways and encounters). While storytelling came naturally to me, it was through journalling, blogging and, eventually, through writing my own story and engaging in public speaking, that I discovered a voice that not only echoed my own experiences but also resonated deeply with others.

3. How do you explore ideas or find inspiration for your work?
My work is about me showing that my vulnerability is my strength. By delving into the depths of my own journey, I uncover raw emotions, vulnerabilities and truths that serve as the foundation for my work.

I remember the feeling of dread before stepping onto the stage for the first time to speak at an International Women’s Day event in 2016. I thought that I would literally die because of the shame (of my past terminations in my 20s) I was carrying at the time. This shame felt so debilitating and I was convinced that others would not accept my grief (of not becoming a mum) and would not only judge me for my past but would say that I didn’t deserve to be a mum because I’d made the choice not to be a mum all those years ago. The applause and encouragement I received after that talk inspired me to keep walking forward with the knowledge that I had a story that could be accepted and one that needed to be heard. Every time I told my story another woman was released from the chains of her silence, another woman could start to own her story of being childless, of not becoming a mum, too. Additionally, listening to the narratives of other women, hearing their struggles and triumphs, reinforces the importance of amplifying diverse voices and ensuring that every story is heard.

4. What does the process of writing involve for you?
For me, it involves self-reflection; delving deep into my thoughts, emotions, and experiences and creativity allowing me to identify the core themes or messages I want to convey. Once I have decided what I want to communicate, I explore and experiment ways in which I want to tell the story. There are days when inspiration flows effortlessly, and there are also moments of doubt and the inevitable writer's block. During these times I exercise self-care; usually taking a walk in nature, hugging a tree, hugging my partner (he’s great at getting me out of my head and rethinking what I want to say) or coming back to my writing another day helps to get me out of my head and refocus my mind.

5. And what does writing then also give you in return?
Writing gives me joy, empowerment, courage, insight, value, acceptance and even throws in a bad-ass crown for good measure.

6. Has seeing your work in print changed how you view yourself, and also how you view your NoMo status?
Absolutely YES! Not only have I written my own book, but I’ve also contributed to six other books, including Jody Day’s Living the Life Unexpected, Lois Tonkin's Motherhood Missed, Emma Haslett's and Gabby Griffith's Big Fat Negative, Kaye Adams' and Vicky Allan’s Still Hot!, and most recently Kat Brown’s No One Talks About This Stuff, where I’ve had the opportunity to share varying versions of my story.

Seeing my words in print changed how I saw myself and how I approached navigating my NoMo status. Through the process of writing and contributing to these books, I've not only shared my personal experience but also built connections with a wider audience, nurturing a sense of validation and empowerment. Seeing my words on the page has built my confidence, solidifying the importance of sharing my journey and the significance of diverse narratives within our community. Additionally, seeing my contributions alongside those of fellow authors fostered a sense of pride whilst emphasising the interconnectedness of our stories. This experience has not only reshaped my self-view but has also empowered me to wholeheartedly embrace my story and engage in meaningful discussions surrounding the complexities, joy and fulfillment of our NoMo journeys.

7. Tell us about the wider reception that you’ve had to sharing your story - has it changed how others have viewed you and your identity as a non-parent?
It’s been an incredible journey - one that started with me feeling immense shame and fear that affected my ability to tell anyone that I had two terminations in my 20s to one that saw me being propelled into a spotlight, and all because I refused to remain silent and be hidden in plain sight. I dared to speak out. Growing up with the cultural narrative that encouraged me to hide my shame I was amazed at how others received me when I spoke my truth. It felt like a truth that was hungry to be heard especially from other NoMo women who were desperate to be seen and understood, who were desperate to know that they mattered too. I think hearing how the loss of our dreams of becoming mothers woke people up and shifted their ideas of our lives without children. Before hearing what it’s like to be in my (our) shoes silently watching from the sidelines whilst others got what we can only dream of, they would label us with stereotypical terms like career women. They couldn’t or didn’t want to see the truth of our pain especially as they think we can do something about it – having IVF or adoption seems to be one of those “easy fix” solutions they constantly throw at us. Through my work others are able to see just how difficult it is to face living a life without children, they are starting to see and accept the grief that we experience, and they are starting to ask what they can do to support us. I feel like we are starting to matter and be accepted for where we are, without anyone trying to fix us, and they genuinely want to hear our voices.

8. How do you feel about the current representation of childless and/or childfree people in literature?
Societal narratives surrounding non-parents are gradually evolving, but there's still considerable room for improvement. Throughout history, these narratives have often marginalised or oversimplified the experiences of childless and/or childfree people, perpetuating stereotypes and neglecting the complexities of our lives. While there are encouraging shifts in literature, such as the willingness to address fertility difficulties, the pervasive 'miracle baby' storyline continues to dominate, reinforcing the notion that even amidst fertility struggles, a happy ending is attainable. Rarely do we see narratives that depict the reality that a life with children may not happen and the possibility of a fulfilling life without children, along with the tears shed along the way.

More needs to be done to elevate childless/childfree characters and their journeys. It's often easy to identify characters with children, but non-parents are frequently left in the shadows. I was particularly intrigued by a recent storyline in BBC Sounds' Conversations from a Long Marriage where the absence of children is subtly implied, rather than explicitly mentioned. This particular storyline in the most recent episode touched upon the devastation and grief experienced by the wife upon learning of her husband's unknown son who unexpectedly showed up looking for his dad, the result of which shed some light on the couples fertility struggles. I hope future episodes will delve deeper into this aspect of their journey, providing a more nuanced portrayal of the complexities of being childless.

9. What would you like the publishing world to know about non-parents, both as writers and readers, and our stories?
I would like the publishing world to recognise the importance of amplifying the voices and stories of non-parents, both as writers and readers. Our experiences are diverse, complex and deserving of representation. As writers, non-parents bring unique perspectives and insights that enrich the literary landscape. Our stories encompass a wide range of emotions, from grief and longing to resilience and empowerment, and these narratives have the power to resonate deeply with readers from all walks of life.

As readers, non-parents seek stories that reflect and validate our lived experiences and feelings. We yearn for characters and plots that authentically capture the nuances of our journeys, providing a sense of recognition and belonging. By embracing diverse narratives and portraying non-parents in all their complexity, the publishing world can foster greater empathy, understanding and connection among readers.
 

Ultimately, I’d like the publishing world to recognise the value of non-parent voices and stories and to prioritise inclusivity and authenticity in their representation, which I believe we are starting to see. By doing so, we can create a more inclusive literary landscape that celebrates the diversity of human experiences and promotes empathy and understanding across societal boundaries.
 

10. What future plans do you have, especially for your writing?
My future plans involve continuing to amplify the voices and experiences of non-parents through various platforms. One of my aspirations is to take centre stage at a TED event, bringing my unique blend of wit and storytelling to the iconic red circle. With microphone in hand, I envision sharing my journey and adventures in navigating a life without children, sprinkled with humour and authenticity. My aim? To shed light on the diverse experiences of those of us living without children and advocate for our full acceptance and recognition in society. Ultimately, I hope to show the world that non-parents are not only valid but also pretty darn awesome.

Additionally, I plan to further expand my writing endeavours, exploring new storytelling mediums and topics that resonate with diverse audiences. Whether through the pages of books, the columns of articles, through my blog, public speaking forums or other forms of creative expression, I want to continue the conversations fostering empathy and connection among diverse audiences.